Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Another day of anger and cryiing

I have been down this road before. It is funny how I have been here in this pain many, many times. However, this is different. Everything has to come out of the darkness. I do not want to hurt my husband, but I am ready to start drinking again. And other than a few slip ups thru the years, I have not drank. I have been alone out of town and never indulged. I was strong. I do not feel strong right now. I have to depend on the Lord to be my strength, because I am broken.

I spoke to a young lady today with lots of kids and a porn addicted husband. It helped.  He is completely open to everyone about this and so is she. What a brave soul. I know that this will be the hardest thing my husband has done. He was always willing to go to the Bishop, but never willing to go work on this in public.

I was always willing to keep this secret because he has always tried to stop this behavior. But, whatever he has tried over three decades is not working. I think a 12 step program is the only way.I am scared out of my mind.

I feel fear and pain. I was so upset that I have been saying the F-word all day. And you have to know that do not say that word. That shows how angry I am.

It is really weird, but I am noticing that I tart freaking out and then I find out that he has had a slip up again. It is like my spirit knows that he has looked at porn again. I want to say right here and now, trust your instincts. Often husbands will not want to confess to you yet again (or at all), but if you are praying, trust our feelings.

Sometimes you will think you are going crazy and your husband may even tell you that you need help, or that there is something wrong with you, but trust what you feel.

you may have talked to your Bishop and find that there is no help for someone like you. What I a learning is that the LDS Church is one of the only places that you can find a 12 step pornography group. There are addiction  groups, but it is hard to find help anywhere for the wives. That is why I am blogging about this. If I hold it in any longer, I think  I am going to lose my mind.

Please share your feelings. You don't even have to give a name. I know you are out there. I know I am not alone.


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