I am using the name Angel because that is what I feel we all are to each other. I am not ready to give my name because I am not ready to put my husband out there because of the stigma. I am not an enabling kind of wife, it's just that I feel protective of him. You see, he has had this problem all of his life and well into 21+years of our marriage. He has always confessed (when I caught him), he has always gone to the Bishop to clear it up, but it has continues most of our married life. He is clean right now. I know that he hates this about himself, but it is just ongoing.
It is more than difficult to do this in a blog, but I wanted to connect with others who wish to remain anonymous, but need a friend. For you see, the closet wife of an LDS porn addict is a very lonely place to be. And, I am alone for a very long time, and I am guessing that you are feeling the same.
We are wives who want to help our husbands who are otherwise good men, who have a problem. My husband is a very good man. He is not even trying to hide it from me, he just suffers and I keep trying to forgive and move ahead. Although he is a good man, he has never been happy, I mean really happy. He keeps to himself most of the time and my social life is with my friends.
Sometimes my friends see me sad or losing it, and I cannot tell them why. I have been to our Bishop, but he just says that my husband is doing great and is repentant. My husband is a current Temple recommend holder, and slips in and out of this problem. He loves the Gospel, loves his family, loves the church. He just has a problem.
So, where does that put me? I wish I had words to express the answer to that question. Lately, I cry daily because I have nowhere to turn. I do not feel any support from any of my Bishops through all of the years. They seem to say, well he is trying. There is a lot of different emotions and feelings when you are me. My kids see me lose it from time to time, and although it is not always because of porn, it often is. Even though he is clean, I still suffer from all of the pain of the past. It has really hurt me. Not to blame, only trying to explain. I am responsible for me, I am just not handling my emotions very well.
I am often praying to be released from the emotional pain from years of wondering and finding out that he has been looking at porn. I am waiting to be okay, but I never have been.
Are you like me? Do you suffer in silence? Even if your husband is clean, you still hurt and do not know what to do with the emotional pain? I often make excuses and I know that I have major issues and problems as an attempt to escape the pain. I have serious body issues. I am thin, but even if I gain any weight (even 1 pound), I feel fat and will monitor my food. Wishing I would die has entered my thoughts, but I kick them out. Honestly, it scares me how I feel sometimes.
In searching on the Internet, it is hard to find any support for someone like me. Am I alone or is the stigma so much in the LDS community that we won't even talk about it out to strangers? The GAs are always talking about Porn, so why does it seem that next to nobody has this problem?
Do you feel any of the following:
Body image issues
Guilty
Not wanting to go to church when you are upset about your husband's problem?
Hiding it from everyone to protect because of stigma and privacy?
Feeling alone with NO ONE to trust?
Keeping secrets of your own because you think he will judge you?
Kids having the same issues as your husband?
Feel like you are going crazy?
Meltdowns- it hits for no reason, nothing triggers it, you just melt down?
Feeling out of place in Church? Left out. You, your husband, or kids are never given leadership responsibilities. no one socializes with you in your ward. Feel awkward?
Love your Husband, but hate the pain?
Waiting for the kids to grow up so that you can leave if this continues?
Don't have any concept of eternal anything?
Urge to drink alcohol, take drugs just to escape?
I know this has been long, but it is my attempt to be raw and honest.
I will share some scriptures that help me through this on a later post. In the meantime, I just wanted to get this out there and see if there are others looking for someone to connect with who understands and cares. please post and do not feel the need to give your real name. I can keep your post private if you want. Believe me, I understand
Angel
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