Thursday, May 13, 2010

A little hope but still very hard

We went to our first 12 step program almost a week ago. It was very hard for both of us. I thought I would throw-up on the way there and I weepy all through the couples meeting.

I do not want to do this, I do not want to be this. I did not cause this and now I have to do this for the remainder of my life?  I wish it would all go away, but it just wont.

I have been the most upset about the spirit it has brought into my home. I raged and was angry at the world at times. I even drank alcohol a few times throughout the years because I felt justified. I love the taste an feeling that comes with drinking, I just do not want the complications that come with it.

Although I had the opportunity, I do not want to cheat on my husband. I really consider him a good man. He is not abusive to me and he adores me. He never stepped out with a real person, and I believe that it was his many visits to the Bishops through the years that kept him from taking it a higher level. Although most of his porn looking of it was in the darkness, most of it was brought to the light. I know all that I need or want to ever know.

My Son is also addicted and he is in a very bad way. He is locked in his sin and I am just not learning that I can do nothing to fix it. I am finding myself having to leave him alone to fall and that scares me more than I can think. He wants to die and he keeps finding himself falling in every way of his life. Car accidents, job losses, people not wanting to be around hime because of strange talk and behaviors. He is losing everything and will not stop. He wants to hold onto this. I guess I understand...I guess

As I said, I do not want to be going thru this right now or ever. It is so hard to look at my capable husband and admit that this sin cannot just go away.

I need to teach my Bishop about how wives can be saved from the craziness that comes from their Husband's addiction. I am still learning it as I am on step one. Bishops never help wives. We have always be left to sit and rot. This was never intentional, it is just what it is. The Church is just now pulling together 12 steps that fit into the lives of LDS people who suffer with this and for their wives who suffer in silence.

Long row to hoe, but with my Savior...all things are possible. I must hang onto that faith in order to survive the pain this has caused.


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