Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Another Hard Day

I cry almost everyday. I have picked up journaling as a way to make it through the pain. My kids see the pain and I cannot tell them why I am struggling.

I have hurt myself in the process of being hurt. As a kid who was hurt by sexual abuse (not by a family member). The pain of living with a man who struggles with this sin makes it even harder. I make it through my life by praying. I pray until I feel better. I pray until the next time.

This morning we got into it and I have asked him to tell me when he messes up. I want know when he messes up because that way we can build trust of some kind. He said that he does not tell me because I am such a bitch and that evreytime he confesses, I freak out and he cannot handle me and how hard it is on him. He never confesses unless I confront him first. I always know when he has done something because of how he treats me, and the kids. Also, sexually he does something weird and then I think, yep, he has been lookin at porn. Then he goes to the Bishop, and whalaaah, he s forgiven, temple recommend signed, and all is well.

Oh I wish it were that easy for me. I still hold it. Except I do things to hurt myself. They are little things that add up. I would love to go and talk it about or with my Bishop, but when I do I am dismissed. For well over 20 years I have been dismissed. Am I tired? Hell yes.

If I sound angry, it is because I am in pain. If my husband were awful in every way, I would leave, but he loves us. I know he loves us. He just has a problem.

I am seeking out a 12 step program for me. I have looked before, but there is not much for wives. I will let you know what I find and maybe it will help you too.

In the meantime, I a very angry today, Bu as always, I will continue to pray.

Today I am praying that I do not drink. I really want to, but I won't.

I am hoping to post another day so that you will know that generally I am a woman  of faith and hope. But, this is a place to vent and I am doing just that.


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