Monday, May 17, 2010

Sharing my Thoughts on Beginning to Heal

I am trying to blog more often as a way to follow my progress as well as my sorrows. I am in recovery for my codependency to my husband’s and other family member's problems with Pn. I am still working on step one, as I do not feel that I have come anywhere near completely embracing it.

I met with my Bishop, on Sunday and I think I may have left him a little shell shocked. Remember I am a 25 + year Veteran of this stuff and he did admit that he is naive when it comes to this. He’s had a hard time grasping that we even have this kind of problems in our ward. Boy is he ever in for a shock. I felt okay talking to him, but do not feel much understanding coming from him. I never have with any Bishop in the past, so nothing new here. I guess it will take time. There are times that I really want to leave this place and enter into the real world. There is so much pain and protection of secrets going on. It is the saddest thing that our Mormon culture is so based in shame that everyone hides (including me).

I told him of my suffering and having no one to talk to and no support over the years. He did not seem to relate to me in any way what so ever. I use to worry that a Bishop would judge me or my family. I think I am getting past that now. I told him that no one knows the atonement like my husband. The perfect person cannot possibly know the atonement the way a sinner does. It is the man (or woman) who sins ( and is sinned against) who needs his Lord and needs his forgiveness. I do not know If I will ever feel any real love from a Bishop. I feel alone. I think that is why it is so hard to be active in Church. I feel that most everyone I live near lives in some kind of protective bubble. I must have missed the boat on that one. I do however, feel the protection and love from my Savior. I may never really have ever has a live human being who really get’s it. I may never have a Church Leader who gets it, but I know that My Savior get’s it, and I am starting to really understand that in a way I never have. It is funny, but right now, I really do not feel much of a need for friendship. I am kind of inward focused as I pass throught this.

The pain I experience by the reality that I will most likely deal with this problem for the rest of my life on earth is very difficult to comprehend. Having said that, I am working on healing my sins and my pain that I allowed to be caused by not always reaching out to the Lord the way I should have. I feel less guilt than before because I know that He (the Lord) knows that I am so new at this. He (the Lord) knows that the pain I caused myself and my family was something I thought I was justified in, or that I used blame because I did not realize that I did not need to take all of that in.

Many Church leaders will have a woman in their office feeling like she is losing her mind, and they will do right by her and send her to a Church approved councilor. Sometimes her husband is so good at hiding his problem that she will blame herself for the problems in their relationship. He (the husband) will sometimes use his own guilt on her. She will think she is going crazy (because she is). Often the husband will never admit his sins. Not to her, or the Bishop. That is why when you are searching for help online, it is hard to find. The people you usually hear about are those who already ended a marriage. The rest, suffer in silence as they try to “fix” their marriage and not want to suffer the embarrassment of ever telling anyone.

I have given many problems at many times to My Father in Heaven, but I do not believe that I ever truly gave this one to him. It kept happening over and over, so I was waiting until it was over, until he was fixed, or until I could magically overcome a problem I had no control over.

I am learning that I now have a choice, a choice even if others make the wrong choice. I choose Christ. That means that even If my husband does not come along for the ride, I can still be safe in the Savior’s arms. Something I never really knew before. I thought I had to be connected to his sin. Meaning that he sins, I am sad again… until he repents, then I am hopeful and happy. Then he falls again, and the cycle continues.

I know that I will never overcome it. I know this, but I also know that the Savior has overcome it for me. I also know that he will take my pain away every time.

I love my husband, I really do. I am grateful that he did not ever let this fester in darkness. I am glad that he always confessed, each time. I think it saved us from further destruction. My sadness is that some things in our family have been destroyed (much that we can never get back.) Again, I cannot dwell on what has happened in the past. I have to deal with what is real right here, right now. Like someone hearing that a family member has an incurable disease and you will live with it forever, I will need to adjust. I keep praying for the strength and it does come little by little.. When I am weakest, the love comes. When I am alone, the love comes. When I am afraid, the love comes. When I am crazy, the loves comes.

I have also learned why I hid myself. Why I cancelled social opportunities. Why I let friendships take a back burner. Why I stopped having fun. There was always pain and sadness lurking somewhere. There was always some kind of division. There was always “The Secret” and I hated it.

I have to believe that I will feel joy again someday. I have faith and hope that it will not be long. I am a joyful person who loves deeply. I am a daughter of God and I deserve to be whole again. I look forward to the day when this is not on my mind all of the time.

I am praying for everyone who is sitting in my shoes. I feel your pain.

I know my savior lives…he loves me… he loves me personally, and individually. He is so aware of me and my situation. I am open to this and I am grateful.


1 comment:

  1. Thank you for writing all that you have. I have been dealing with my husband's pn addiction since I found out 6 months into our marriage. We have been married 10 years now and he has never gotten help for it and refuses to even go to marriage counceling. I have been looking for help and advice online because I am really at the end of my patience with it. He has never been truely penitent and I have tried everything from policing his internet use and asking the Bishop to call him in for a confession (this in the earlier days) to leaving him completely alone about it and leaving it up to him (in recent years). So many women who I've found on the internet post that their husbands confessed and said they were so sorry and that they wanted help. The thing that I'm so discouraged about is that this has never happened with my husband. He is such a good man in so many ways but this has really ruined our marriage. He doesn't see it that way at all. Actually, he told me last month when I confronted him and asked if he'd been viewing Pn, "And by the way, I'm tired of taking all the blame for that, I'm not doing that anymore."

    So, the discouragement mounts as I think: does this mean that he's in an even worse place than ever before that he would make that statement?

    I love him, but most of that love is a love of pity for a fellow human being. I feel like the love I had has been killed and I don't want to live life like that. I'd rather be alone. Now I just take my joy in our 5 year old child. Most of the time there's little to no involement from my husband in our home life, so it seems to be just us anyway a lot of time.

    I hope and pray that you are ok. I went to the temple last week for the first time in a while. My husband doesn't understand the urgency in all this, but I feel it and it's been making me a sick, nervous, depressed wreck inside (which I have to hide all the time, of course). After the temple session, I felt calm and peaceful. I don't know what decision I'll make yet, mostly because I don't know what decision my husband will make. I'm going to pray really hard for the next month or two and if he decides he wants help and to submit to the Lord once and for all, I am willing to work on this. But I honestly don't have much hope at all for that. Every signal I get from him denies the possibility.

    Thanks for blogging, and thanks for letting me vent as well here. Please share any advice that you have for me as well. I don't want my 5-year-old son to go through what your son is going through now, and I'm scared.
    Thank You!